wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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