so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
