You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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