I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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