Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Dicks are not precious.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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