can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
