Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
