the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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