Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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