I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
