I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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