Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
