Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
