My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
