I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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