eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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