i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
