Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
