Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
i've created a new STD.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
