There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.