why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
