Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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