Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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