i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
