i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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