I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I fill condoms, not promises.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
