You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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