my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
