Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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