I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
