uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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