On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
