He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
