Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
