So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
