How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
My bed smells like the plague
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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