then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
