This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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