Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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