So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
