Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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