I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
either way he was missing a nipple.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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