we have pet lesbian snakes
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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