Banned from zoo.
Again?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
