I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
