I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
