Everything about him screamed your future.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
