Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
