I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
