i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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