Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
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