my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
