I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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