At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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