She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
