i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
In other news, I just burned my penis
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
