Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
